I took the 24 month hiatus because of my job. Now that I'm riding the unemployment express lane to hell, I figured it was time to fire up this old engine. I found myself re-reading previous posts, and laughing out loud. Turns out I'm pretty damn funny! And now I feel immense pressure to be that hysterical again. This probably won't be the post to do that, but here's hoping. And again, ain't nobody reading this but me, myself, and...oh yeah, I had a falling out with me and the others, so she's not reading this. But two outta three ain't bad.
I'M BACK BITCHES!!!! SUCK ON DEEZ NUTS, YA HEARD??!!
Had to get that out. So, I'm feeling some type of way about a situation and naturally, I feel the need to anonymously share with all and none of you at the same time.
Last year, this month actually, I was re-acquainted with a guy I knew from college. He was a director in the department with me. He was a senior and I was a lowly, scared, freshman. Usually I disguise people's names but I won't extend any such courtesy to him. Not just cause I wanna be a bit vindictive, cause naturally that plays heavily into it, but also, we've established that don't no damn body read this blog. So he's safe from detection.
Anywho, Stephen G. Dye-Morehouse man class of '96, hit me up cause he needed some vocal talent for an audio project he was working and thought to try his Alma mater and use some students. A quick perusal of the faculty webpage found my name listed. Surely since I'm the only one on the planet with my name spelled the way it is, he knew it was me, the one and the same as the girl he cast in his class projects.
Now, this was a big deal--my being cast in a senior director's midterm and final projects. They were supposed to use senior actors first and then branch out. I was so scared...of everybody and everything back then. But I went to the audition and was really surprised to be cast. I didn't think I'd done that good to tell you the truth. But this was my first acting gig in the department, and as a lowly freshman, I felt really proud of myself. Me and Stixx (that's his own nickname by the way) were the only freshman cast in these senior showcases. And the class was taught by the much feared Chair of the dept., PROFESSOR. Woman's been gone for a year, and she still scares the shit outta me. Anyway, he liked me so much, that he cast me in his final project too. I felt pretty damned pleased with myself. So the year goes on, I saw him a few times after that in the hall but didn't think too much about him. He was a kinda quiet guy, seemed to keep to himself, and we only dealt professionally with each other. The year ends and he graduates, and I continue with my life.
Fast forward seventeen years, and here he is on my phone. Sounding the same. Probably looking the same too. Brown skinned dude with glasses and dooky dreads. Ok, whatever. Catch up and see what's goin' on and how I can help. And pray that the kids don't embarrass us again by showing their unprofessional asses at a real audition.
We Skype to get further details. No video for some reason (on his side, not mine), but cool. Nice conversations. Just catching up. Find out he's been living in Japan for the past several years and just moved back around the same time I moved here. He's a native ATLien. So months go by with this kind of communication. I couldn't hook him up with students initially cause I was directing a play for the department and my father was sick in the hospital, so I told him next semester would be better. He was fine with that.
So several more months go by and we stay in touch but to me, it's just some dude I used to know and some kids I'm trying to find outside work. Nothing more than that. He's not even on my damn radar. But we finally meet up again for the audition and we talk and chill in my office. He got rid of his dreads. Everything else is still the same. But he looks older. Kinda handsome, but, not quite setting the loins aflame. Anyway, this is not about that. He's just some dude I used to know.
June comes. And that's when everything changes. By now, I've been released from my contract with Hillman and I'm trying to get my unemployment shit together down here. An arduous task that makes me miss the days of blue state livin'. So we're shooting the shit. He's returned from his comic con (wherever it was) and asks how things are with me (he knew my Dad was ill and I wasn't working and whatnot). I apologize for flaking on him (I was supposed to help with some voices for his project but shit was too real for me, being as I wasn't working and stuff), and he was like, no worries and blah blah blah. The thread reads as follows (all mistakes & typos are those of the author, not mine. I'm smarter than that):
SD:...just don't want you to think I think u flaked or anything. U helped me pass PROFESSOR's class way back and pimped my project, so I owe u. Lol
Me: Oh...lol. well cool, then consider the debt paid. And yeah, just wanted to apologize 4 flaking. I do feel a bit guilty cuz I gave my word I'd help u out. But as long as u dnt give me the side eye, I'm cool :)
SD: Well I must admit that I did give you the side eye, but it was a good thing and about something entirely different ;)
Me: Oh, really? Lol.
So, at this point I'm all surprised. WTF? Not sure how I feel about a dude I hadn't thought twice about in that way, hitting on me. But I went with it cause I just kept hearing Mommy and assorted friends telling me to just see what happens. What's the worst that can happen? I've been following that advice for far too long now, cause obviously, it doesn't seem to work for me. I should stick to my damn instincts and give dudes a wide berth when I feel like I'd never date them to begin with.
So it goes on and on. I ask when he first noticed me and he said back in school when he cast me. I told him I was flattered and he said:
SD: I'm glad u r flattered and didn't simply tell me to fuck off lol
Me: I'd nvr tell a man 2 fuck off who's complimenting me...unless he was being an asshole about it ;)
SD: Well I should have done it more. Seeing you again took me back...The only difference being you weren't a kid anymore under my direction. I felt a little bit better checking you out then...people would have had other ideas of why I cast u twice. Maybe not just because you were talented. I left out bits of conversation when confronted with casting you in those roles. I told PROFESSOR I thought I were very cute and attractive, but talented enough to transform into any role. Emphasis on cute/attractive
Hook baited. And my simple ass starts nibbling on it.
Me: Ooohhh...& lemme guess, she took issue w/that...
SD: No. She just said ok mr. Dye and just stared at me smirking...I have no idea what she was thinking. Probably her thoughts went from i was type casting to that I was sleeping with you and that. that's the real reason a freshman was cast twice to perform in front of her...Who knows...But yes, I did notice you. And it wasn't just for your acting.
Feeling emboldened now and a bit attractive, I pressed on, even though I wasn't quite sure I wanted to.
Me: So I get why u didn't ask me out back then, but what about now?
SD: I've been thinking about it a lot, but never knew how you would take it. I've been dropping hints...We should hang out, lets chat if you have time, etc. you never really bit so I figured there was no interest on your part.
I'll spare you the rest of the conversation, this was just the interesting part to me. I should have turned him down. Should have followed my gut and said, thanks but no thanks. Let's just keep this platonic. Gotta learn not to fuck with these men I knew in college. Not a damn one of them is good for me it seems. Cause none of them want my fat ass in the least.
So we go out. We see Man of Steel, which we both hated. Had a chill night, came back to my place and talked for a few hours. Something had happened to me during the course of the night, however. I went from actively dreading the date the days, and hours before, to sitting beside him in his Jeep Liberty, and feeling suddenly smitten. I don't know what it was or when it changed exactly. Maybe it was when he came to pick me up at my place...something I NEVER allow. I usually meet the guy at the restaurant or movie or whatever. But hell, I knew this guy from back in the day, so it'll be ok. He won't stalk me or anything. Maybe it was the five + hours we talked the night before where there was a bit of flirting going on. Maybe it was that the package didn't necessarily match the contents inside. He's still kinda quiet, but not timid. He's a bit dangerous it turns out. A scrapper. He doesn't have to raise his voice or argue, but you can tell he means business when he talks. Maybe it was his scent. Egyptian musk oil. Maybe it was the way he looked directly in my eyes when he spoke to me. Or that he paid for my meal and movie ticket (even though that made me wanna peel my skin off). Or that he ushered me into the theater before him by putting his hand on the small of my back. Maybe it was that he was nice to me and attentive. I think it was all of those things. And that he, at the time anyway, made me feel like he legitimately wanted to be next to me, with me. He made me feel desired, and that made me feel sexy.
Sitting next to him in my living room, talking about everything and nothing, I was stalling. Trying to figure out if I wanted to kiss him. If I wanted to sleep with him. No. No sex. That's clear. But...do I wanna kiss him? I don't know. What's he doing? He's really close right now. He says he wants to hold my hand? At 4am? Yeah right. So, I extend my hand to him and he takes it. Then he's kneeling before me, hand still clutching mine. He puts his other hand behind my ear and pulls me toward him, planting one helluva kiss on my unsuspecting, yet dripping with anticipatory excitement laced lips. Oh shit. He's a good kisser. I'm fucked.
And it was a wrap. That night, three + years of neglect ended the desert drought that had overtaken my loins. And I was in trouble.
The next morning I told him I didn't just want this to be about sex and asked if that was ok. He said yes. That he didn't just see me as that and that he'd never disrespect me that way. So now, I'm all drunk with the idea that I finally, after all these years, have a SOMEONE to talk about! I have a SOMEONE! And it felt nice. I was seeing someone. We talked for HOURS...from 9pm to 5am most nights...days at a time this was our schedule. We didn't see each other much, but he'd reach out to me. Instigate conversations. Usually it was me who'd have to almost chase a guy down to talk to him. But not Stephen. He wanted to talk to me. He wanted to get to know me. He wanted me. And I've never been wanted like that. Commitment phobe that I am, I was freaked out by it at first. Many a frantic phone call was made to several of my girls and there was lots of talking-down-from-ledges goin' on. Most of that really had to do with me trying to recognize what was truly normal between a man and a woman, and what was my normal. And was I freaking out cause I had a real reason to do so, or was it because my relationship compass was skewed due to my fucked up experiences and what doesn't feel normal to me, actually is just that and I should relax. So I'd relax. He never saw the crazy though. I kept the cap firmly on that bitch in his presence. But we talked about so many things. I learned a great many things about him, or so I thought. And I was open with him in a way that I'd never dare to do with any other man. Suddenly, the idea of sleeping with someone else, dating someone else even, was of no interest to me. I only wanted him. I only wanted to be with him. And it felt like he felt the same. And that was new. And it was soooo nice. A long time coming.
And we went on like that for two months. Most of the summer. It sustained my three week absence as I traveled home to check on my Dad and friends. We talked almost as often while I was away as we did while I was here. We saw each other one more time when I came back. He took me karaoking. It was the most fun I'd had with him or anyone in awhile. We come back to my place and have sex. It wasn't our best, but I figured it was cause of the time we'd spent apart. I wasn't worried though. He left, text me when he got home, and that was virtually the last time I heard from him. And definitely the last time I saw him.
I've spent the past two months trying to get a response from him. He offers none. He just disappeared. Cut me off. I've gone through the I hope he's ok thing and realize, of course he is. He's just not that into you. And that hurts. I've replayed all our conversations, and the events of the very last time we were together. What did I do? What did I say? Is it my fault? Could I have done something different? Put myself through the wringer. Cried and cried and CRIED my eyes out. Some tears fell for him and what I thought we were building, but most fell because he clearly fits into a larger pattern of mine. One that points to me being unlovable and undesirable...one that has me living the rest of my life alone. And that scares the hell outta me, cause that's my biggest fear.
I'm trying to obtain closure for myself cause I know I won't get what I want from him. I can accept our dalliance is over. I can accept that I let him in when I shouldn't have. I can accept that despite only knowing him for a few months, this hurts like hell. I can accept that I'll move on cause I have to. I can even accept that I'll never get the answers I want. And I can accept that I'll never stop wanting them.
We're pushing forty...why is this a thing that guys still do? We're not kids anymore, and I didn't think we were dating like kids. I'll close this very long post with the actual email I sent him a few hours ago.
Stephen,
I'm not sure what's happened, or why, and I guess at this point it doesn't much matter. But I liked you. I really, really did. I didn't know how much until I stopped hearing from you. To talk as often as we did, for as long as we did, made me think whatever we were doing had some potential. I see now that it didn't. And I really feel like the biggest fool on the planet. I allowed myself to believe you when you told me that you'd been attracted to me even way back in school. And to feel like you liked me too. Clearly you didn't like me as much I did you, and that's ok. That happens sometimes. But why the silent treatment? You never gave me the sense that you were "that" guy. You always seemed so upfront and honest and I came to rely on that and find comfort in it. That everything you said you meant. So when you told me that you've told women that you no longer wanted to see them, I thought, "well, if he ever reaches that point with me, he'll tell me. I won't have to wonder". And then you do the exact opposite. And it's been confusing and painful, actually. Devoid of any real information, I'm forced to fill in the gaps myself. And I've worried about your welfare…are you ok? Is your family ok? And hoping that nothing serious has happened to any of you. And then I realize, naturally nothing's wrong. Your phone isn't malfunctioning. You just don't wanna see me anymore and it's easier for you to ignore me than to tell me the truth. I remember telling you once that I'm not one to chase after a man who doesn't want her. The only reason why I continue to contact you is because I'm trying to get some closure, so answers to my questions. The quickest way to get me to leave you alone was for you to be upfront with me. I would have asked some questions, say what I needed to say, wished you well and moved on. I don't know if you were afraid of me crying and making a scene, but I think I've let you know I'm not that type of woman. I just feel given our shared past, and that I wasn't some chick you met on the street, and because we're older and not a couple of stupid twenty year olds, that I deserved more than this. A simple conversation about how your life is too hectic and you don't have time for dating right now, or that you don't find me attractive, or that we're not sexually compatible, or whatever the issue is, and that we shouldn't see each other anymore would have sufficed. And it still would have been disappointing and sad, but at least I wouldn't be twisting in the wind. Just for future reference, don't pull a disappearing act on another woman again. It's really hurtful. I have no idea whether you'll read this or not, or respond if you do. Honestly, I fully expect you to delete this once you see it's from me. I'm writing this more for myself, so I can say all the things I've wanted to these past several weeks. A purge before closing this door. And if you get this, acknowledge it or not, it's all incidental to me. If you think I'm angry, please know that I'm not. I'm just a little hurt, that's all. I did enjoy the time we spent together and I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I just wish it hadn't ended so soon; and that it hadn't ended this way. I really do wish you all the best and that your family's well; and that you have great success with all the projects you're working on. I'd hoped that at some point down the road we could remain friendly and keep up with what the other's doing from time to time, but it's clear that's not what you want. I won't bother you anymore. So, take care of yourself Stephen and I hope you make it back to Japan one day.
Till next time, lovers!
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