Why does paper beat rock in a hand shoot out? That never made any sense to me. I know people use it to cover the rock and that supposedly means it wins, but...how? Why? Rock is rock. I mean by definition or at least colloquialism, it connotes strength. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson didn't make his wrestling moniker "Paper" for a reason. Who the fuck is afraid of paper? NO ONE that's who.
No one looks up and runs with fright at the sight of paper being thrown menacingly at them. Or is frozen in fear when an escaped Dateline maniac approaches them in that dreaded horror movie, slow motion way a deranged serial killer does, when they're about to open a can of I'm-gonna-hack-you-to-death, wielding a ream of Staples white copy paper. Doesn't happen. Now, same scenario, a deranged killer approaches you in slow motion, holding a larger than life big ass rock in his hand, preparing to bring it down on your head & crack your skull open just like poor Piggy in The Lord of the Flies, and your eyes are bulging in terror. Your mouth, twisted with anxiety, awash in adrenaline and fear, opens to let out a terrifying primal scream that serves to both signal help and give you a boost of fight for your life strength. Your brain is full of a thousand different ways to save yourself. That's what rock does.
So I don't understand why covering a rock with paper constitutes a win. Rock can shred paper. Try it. Take a piece of regular old white paper and throw a rock at it and see what happens. Go 'head. I'll wait. Really. Do it. Seriously, do it already cause you're pissing me off. It's irritating I have to ask more than once. Well, I didn't really ask, I told you. Perhaps it's my manners that put you off. Fine. Would you please take a piece of paper and throw a rock at it and lemme know what happens? Please? That's all you're gonna get from me, so if you don't like it, I ain't got nuttin else for ya.
You don't have to demonstrate cause I know, we all know what happens. The paper tears. Rock wins. I propose that we come together, many voices becoming one, to write strongly worded letters to five year olds everywhere--for we know it is they that sit on the board of all games such as these--and implore them, ney, force them to reconsider the winner in this, the greatest of all hand games, and end this injustice once and for all. Hail the rock! Respect the rock! Hail the V & don't forget to use Summer's Eve feminine wash...oh shit, wrong slogan. My bad.
Till next time, lovers!
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