Alright, here's pet peeve infinity!!! I really can't contain this. I went to see two movies last Friday cause I'm a woman of leisure and that's how I roll. My last blog had me reminiscing about those days when movies were exciting and new, just like the cast of The Love Boat. I found myself really waiting for two movies in particular to come out, and they're diametrically opposed to one another, but they both speak to the movie goer in me. The first was "The Town", a gritty crime drama directed by and starring Ben Affleck, set amid the urban backdrop of his native Boston that he loves so dear. And the other, a little less intense, "Easy A". It's been a hard week. Don't judge.
So I go to the stadium seat movie theater (the only kind I prefer now, with the exception of a good old fashioned drive-in. There's one in Atlanta I'm dying to try out), buy both tickets, get some popcorn slathered with high cholesterol inducing, genetically altered butter (yall know it's not real butter), a larger than anyone needs Coke, and head into my first movie. Now the film itself was quite enjoyable seeing as how it's another teen movie with a nice Scarlet Letter baseline. I found it funny and moving and all that jazz. What I hated down to the marrow of my bones, were the other dipshits I had to sit in the dark with.
I know technology is supposed to bring us out of the dark and into a better kind of civilization. Heart transplants, stem cell research, cancer treatments all get a big YAY from me. But texting inside a movie theater will get you a slap across the face if you happen to be ANYWHERE NEAR ME!!! Why so venomous you ask? Because even though you're not talking during the movie, you are still DISTRACTING me with the light from your phone!!! It's a dark room--as soon as ANY light comes on, the eye is automatically and without thought, drawn to it. And then as if that's not bad enough, the texting offender then has the nerve to not keep said phone down in his/her lap to shield the rest of the audience from the annoying light of his/her oh so important "where r u?" text, but the offending asshole must raise the phone high, high above so as to shine this light in the viewing eye frame of anyone unlucky enough to be in this person's general area.
Time was the only thing you had to worry about when going to the movies was an asinine talker or twelve. But now, cell phones have opened up a whole new can of self absorbed, inconsiderate-ness that movie watching is now disagreeable to me. I remember when beepers first came out (pagers if you're a doctor or live in the suburbs), and that was the first sign of a new age being ushered in. Nothing irritated me more than to hear a beeper sounding off during a highly emotional time in a movie. It's like they were all wired to go off at that moment. Whatever the moment--a highly romantic moment, a highly emotional death scene, will the lovers realize they're meant to be together, the big revealing secret--just imagine if that shit had been in existence during "Empire Strikes Back" and it's the moment when Luke discovers Darth Vadar's really his father, and during the slow build--Luke dangling oh so precariously on the ridge, and Darth, full of seductive self assurance, weaving his tale of paternity, standing powerfully tall against Luke's weak and injured stance (damn I love this movie). And right before Darth speaks those fateful words "...No, I am your..." SOMEONE'S DAMN BEEPER GOES OFF!!!
Talking is still a good old standby too. Don't think that technology has erased that oldie but goodie. I just don't understand why people feel compelled to talk, text, ANSWER THE PHONE AND HOLD AN IN DEPTH CONVERSATION while sitting in a seat it cost you $10.50 for, eating treats that cost about the same or more. Why pay to do that? Why can't you just sit there and shut the fuck up? What the hell is so important you have to ruin my movie going experience for? To find out that Pacey and Joey are dating? Or that Michael's running late? Guess what, I kinda figured that out when I got here and there was no Michael to be found. If it's an emergency either don't come, or answer it later cause trust me, it'll still be an emergency two hours from now. There's just no damn consideration of other people's time and money anymore. If you talk throughout the whole damn thing, you're wasting the money I paid to watch this movie. It's not like I can rewind it, no, I'd have to spend another $10.50 to catch the shit I missed the first time while you were having phone sex with your girl in the seat behind me (no exaggeration, this actually happened during (of all movies) "I Can Do Bad All By Myself").
Maybe it's generational. The texting was going on during "Easy A", a film with a much younger demographic; and one guy took several phone calls during "The Town". Silly rabbit, texting's for kids. I couldn't believe it, I was so fucking pissed. A young black couple then proceeded to sit behind me (during "The Town") and keeping it old school, starting talking...LOUDLY. Now, some people don't get pissed when it happens during the trailers. I'm weird cause I actually like the trailers. I wanna see the next cool movie coming out. So this was highly irritating. And it reminded me of Mommy. She'd curse you out for that shit. At the time it was kinda embarrassing and funny all at once, but she wasn't playing. I've seen her do this several times, and suddenly it was like I was channeling her cause I was ready to go and unleash all manners of fouth mouthedness, when to my immense delight, they moved to seats down front. It didn't stop them, but at least they weren't in my ear for two and half hours.
My point is this...all this texting and talking and whatnot needs to stop. It's incredibly selfish and what's amusing and worthy of ass whooping, is that these folks have the nerve to wanna get up in your face when you ask them to knock it off. How dare you. I spent my money just like you. This isn't your living room and if that's how you wanna behave, keep your ass at home. I just don't understand the society we're living in now where everything we do has to be linked to our damn cell phones. Do you really need to send that text while you're DRIVING? Really? If you think about it, you really don't. All of this though is a symptom of the deeper issue. We're nothing more than a bunch of self obsessed narcissists addicted to our own imagined self importance. There was this commercial that used to play in the movie theater showing a man being propelled out of his chair cause his phone rang and disrupted the audience. How I wish those ejector seats were real. I'm working on something along those lines, where instead of being thrown from your seat, a bunch of criminally insane inmates rush into the theater and beat you within an inch of your life. I just have to figure out how to keep them from killing us all. Oh well, incidentals really. That's it. Hope it wasn't too long. Till next time, lovers :)
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