So two weeks, or it coulda been last week honestly, I don't know my days and weeks are kinda running together now. But whenever it was, my younger cousin Nelson came to visit us while I was still in Jersey. Actually, he came with two of his friends to see a Yankee game and they flew into LaGuardia (it's a New York City airport some serious miles from us in suburban New Jersey) instead of the much more convenient Newark Airport. He was banking on me coming all the way out there to pick them up, but aside from the very real fact that I REFUSE to drive anywhere in the NYC area cause I HATE NYC drivers, I wasn't even there. My stepmother asked me to stay with my father for the week in Maryland, while she was away for a work conference. My grandfather is 86 yrs old and not comfortable enough to drive all the way out there, and my grandmother who's 80 yrs old (she'll be 81 in December) only drives as far as the local grocery store. So they were able to arrange for our pastor to drive out there and pick them up.
None of this is really the point but I wanted to give you some back story. After seeing the game, my cousin then picks up and goes down to Leesburg, VA leaving his friends at my grandparents house, not to return until Sunday night. Yes, you read that correctly. Why did he go all the way to Virginia for, you ask? Why else would a 29 yr old single man pick up and leave his friends on someone else's doorstep? MK (Mortal Kombat) calls it THE POWER OF THE PUSSY. I called it a booty call, both of which my cousin vehemently denied. But he did confess to me that he was going to see about a girl. I, naturally, rolled my eyes and scoffed with typical older cousin, single woman disdain. A "yeah right" if you will. Nelson and I have been close since our teens. He's only four years younger than me, and I've always wanted a younger sibling cause I was tired of my brother beating the shit outta me all the time. And Nelson didn't feel that he could talk to his older sister cause she was a bit too judgmental of his choices, he felt. His mother was my mother's younger sister (more back story for you).
So I listened to him, as I always listened to him and tried to guide him as best I could. I always felt close to him I suppose, because I know at times he felt like an outsider in his family, and I was constantly the black sheep in my house. So I saw myself in him and I wanted him to be ok cause if he was ok, than so was I. But he would always say and do stupid shit. Looking back, I guess he's kinda my exercise in parenting. You know the whole "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make the muthafucka drink" adage. Just love him, advise him, and let him do what he's gonna do and pray for the best. So I prepared myself for the inevitable dumbness that was about to spew forth from his immature lips, but I found myself pleasantly surprised instead.
Yes, he was indeed infatuated with a young woman he met at a friend's wedding two months ago, but for a dude who frequently used to refer to young women as "bitches" or some such nonsense, he spoke of her with such respect. In fact, I found myself marveling at his maturity. At how captivating he was as he detailed all the nuances of her that he felt spoke to him. At how she, just by being herself, was making him wanna be better. And I felt pride welling up inside of me for this young man who finally began to sound like he got it. And even if she's not "the one", even if it's not love, I was just impressed with the fact that his brain seemed to click. He was thinking about life, love, all manner of things the way an adult does. And I felt like a parent finally looking at her baby and realizing he's gonna be ok.
But while I rejoiced for him, I also felt a little touch of sadness. How I wished a man spoke of me with the same light in his eyes and excitement in his voice as Nelson did for this girl. And for a split second in my mind, while he was talking I zoned out, and pretended that these words coming from his mouth were meant for me, and in his place I put the faces of many men from my past that I wished with all my heart would have felt that way for me for real. And it felt like warm butter coating my skin. For a brief moment, I felt loved, and it felt good. Just a sensation of warmth radiated inside and out. And I want that, I just don't know how to get it. Nothing I do seems to be right or more to the point, nothing seems to be enough. I've never made a man feel that way about me. So I guess the fault is mine. But you know what's more ironic? Nelson told me about this girl, as he's told me about all the girls' in his life, in the hopes that I would give him some sort of advice. He looks up to me in that way, and I've never been sure why. I know nothing about relationships, clearly I'm terminally single. Yet, as we spoke, I found myself giving him solid, credible advice. And I found myself surprised that I was doing it, and surprised that he was listening, and surprised that it made sense. And it's like, how can you do this so well for him, and yet be so fucked up when you do it for yourself? Food for thought, huh?
Well, till next time lovers.
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