Match Tales: The Sequel

DUDE #2: WHITE BOY

So I set my search parameters (can you tell this is my word of the day?) for black and hispanic men only. I feel like I'm good as long as I cover my racial background. Yeah, I got white blood in here too, but who doesn't? So I'm looking through my daily 5 matches, and see I have a wink (that's when a guy has read your profile, likes you but not enough to send you a real email, so he just sends you his profile for you to look over and decide if you like him enough to send him an email--and that's called a wink). So I open it up...and it's a white boy! What the FUCK!!! Didn't I tell you NOT to send me any white guys? Does he look black Match.com? Does he? NO, he does not! This damn Match.com, I tell ya boy. Sending me this bullshit. Well lemme look at his profile to find out how off the mark they are, sending him to me. They got some nerve sending me a white boy who's 2 yrs. younger than me...from ALABAMA...who, wait, started his own business? Then sold it to an even bigger company that he now works for and has a very loose leash...in telecommunications? Wait, he's looking for women between the ages of 22 and 47? Damn. Way to cover all your bases. Well what about body type? You know white boys like a skinny bitch. He says...nothing about it. It's blank. Meaning he's open to whatever body type. Get the fuck outta here. Hmmm. I should wink back.

And that's exactly what my thought process was behind winking back at this so obviously wrong match. And again, they didn't send it to me, he saw me and started communication. So as soon as I winked, I got an instantaneous email from him. I was like, wow! That was quick. This is his email to me:

Thanks for the wink! How has your week been going so far, mine has been pretty good. Happy Hump Day, I just hope the nice weather returns for the weekend. :) How long have you lived in ATL? I moved here in Aug 04 from Auburn University. I live in Dunwoody close to Perimeter Mall, and you? Just thought I would stop by and say hello, so beautiful! :)

So two things caught my eye. His statement of stopping by...hell nawh shawty; and naturally the "so beautiful" comment. I must have read that several times. Huh? He means me? The white boy thinks the chunky black girl is "so beautiful"? Is this a damn joke? Fuck this. But since flattery will get you everywhere with me, I was encouraged to move forward. So I responded:

Hey,

That was pretty quick! LOL. Well, let's see...my week's been pretty ok so far. I've only lived here for a few months. I moved in October, but I used to live here bout 8 yrs ago and I lived here for like 7 yrs at that time. I went to college here so I know the city pretty well...correction, I used to know the city because in the 8 yrs. I've been gone, it's changed so much. Whole streets are renamed and buildings torn down, neighborhoods have changed dramatically, so it's kinda like moving to an unknown city at times. I live in Buckhead near 85. One of the reasons I moved back here was for the weather, which I love. I'm from Jersey so by comparison this is paradise. Where are you from originally?

So then he said:

Nice to meet you! And you are right it has change a lot just since I have been here. :-) I am originally from Birmingham, AL and you? Yes, I am southern but far from country. So tell me, you have a hard time taking complements? ;-)

And then I said:

Not generally, why do you ask? (Totally not true. I do have a problem taking compliments. They feel nice in the moment, but then I start to think, that wasn't meant for me. Words are easy but the ensuing action usually belies the pleasant statement, that's why I distrust compliments. But I still like to hear them. I know, I need to get back to therapy--I'm going)

So he said:

I said so beautiful at the end of my first email! :-) and quite sexy!

Game. Set. Match...bitches! All my lady parts got to fluttering at the southern gentility and the compliments and the attention and all that jazz. But the male side of me, usually the part I refer to as Jersey, was skeptical as always. Still is. You can't graduate daycare in Dirty Jerz without passing skepticism and sarcasm 101. We're leery of everyone and everything. And then you add being black on top of it!!! Shit, he's lucky I don't reach for my Vaseline and brass knuckles. Sounds kinda kinky don't it? Yeah, on purpose. Yall know how I do :)

So this goes on for days. We didn't talk this past weekend cause, well lemme let you read what he said:

Hey sexy! How was the rest of your week, mine was pretty good TGIF! I actually have family in town this weekend or I would be thinking of ravishing someone! :-)

Uhhhhh....yay? Yay he has company so I don't have to worry bout being ravished, or yay he wants to ravish me? Your guess is as good as mine. I don't damn know either. Damn shame, isn't it? I know. (So is the nasty bitch's breath sitting next to me at Barnes and Noble. Damn, eat an altoid trick, and stop breathing on the rest of us. I'm gonna black out from holding my breath soon, then who'll finish my blog so my devoted reader can be satisfied? Consideration is the spice of life. So is fluoride.)

At this point in the story, I wasn't attracted to him. Description. White. 31. Blondish hair I think. Glasses (slim line). Blue eyes maybe. Nice smile. Again, taller than me but I only found this out recently when we were face to face...ish. Nice body. He works out. Also recently discovered. I'm on this Spartacus kick (thanks Starz and Manu Bennett the unbeknownst father of my children even though he too is white, but he's Australian or New Zealander so that makes it ok) so a man's body all muscled up and such does so much for me now...more than it ever did before. Well, that's not true. It's always done good shit for me. I'm just all about naked gladiators sending me off to dream land with a purpose. But I digress.

So, decent looking guy on Match.com but I wasn't feeling sleeping with another white boy. Been there. Done that. Moving on. I keep thinking about the last white dick I had, and it was the most awful thing ever. Put me off the whole race. That's some repugnant dick. Small and rhythmless. Rhythmless Nation. Damn shame. He's the only guy I faked an orgasm with. It was either that or fake a seizure but I couldn't pay the hospital bill for that. And a fake orgasm achieves its goal: dude feels like he laid it down, and I get him to stop what he's doing, cause he's about to ruin, the image and the style that I'm used to...never before have the words of Digital Underground been so perfect a fit for everyday life. Humpty Hump yo ass off!

So I was at this crossroads. I was fixing to go out with IHOP and WHITE BOY was doing the family thing and B-BOY was a no show. I was like, all the dudes I'm communicating with on Match, aren't anyone I'd like to get naked with. Can't even see that happening. They made my nether regions drier than the Sahara during famine season. I mean, what the fuck? So after being annoyed by IHOP's feelings of disrespect, I was watching the NBA All-Star game at MK's, when I decided to send WHITE BOY an email via my Match.com app on my phone. Yeah...I got the app. I'm invested. It was just something like, hey hope your weekend went well and you enjoyed your time with your family. We should talk soon, or words to that effect. Sure enough when I checked my email the next day he responded with:

Were you up late thinking of me? :-)

And I was like:

Perhaps :) I'm a night owl after all. I picked my friends up at the airport & they were taping the all star game, so I stayed over there to watch it, and that's why I was up late emailing you lol. I know it's not sexy, but it's the truth :) And since you're pretty good at replying to my emails, I figured while I was up, why not say hi. That way I knew I'd have a responce when I woke up. How was your weekend? Hope it was fun.

And he was like:

Its actually very sexy, you thought of me! My weekend was great, mom was in town so tons of shopping a good food! Thanks for asking. :-) I just left work, so heading to the gym and you? Then ill be chilling on the couch, glass of wine and a movie, but always better if shared with someone yummy! ;-)

So again, I was like, huh? He wants me to come over to his place? For wine? And movies? But for wine? Wine and anything always leads to something. At least for me anyway cause I like to drink. I get comfortable when the wine flows freely from my oversized cup or glass...directly into my mouth. At this time, I sent a frantic text to Sharelle cause I kinda needed some validation in what I knew I should do. Wasn't sure I'd do it though.

Anyway, all this rigmarole is boring you, but he called me and when I heard his voice, I knew I was gonna do the wrong thing. He has this cute little Alabama twang and it was a wrap. But I told myself in my bathroom mirror (as I put on some makeup and a cute top to accentuate somethings and try to hide others) that I was NOT gonna fuck him. It's just wine. And a movie. Keep your pants on and keep it casual. Agreed? Agreed. Good.

So I drive out to his spot, not that far from where I live, and get to his door and I check his apartment number on my phone several times before I knock, thinking what a dumb ass I am. I did text Sharelle that I was going to his place and this is his real name, his address, and his phone number just in case. I mean, he is white after all. Hell, for all I know, I could have been walking into a Dateline situation. He opened the door, and I thought I might be, but I wasn't sure that I was in trouble...until he poured the wine. In a nice GIANT glass. I told myself not to go down without a fight. But he came out in full battle mode. Wine. Stupid movie. Giant wine glass. Cuter than his pictures. Sick ass body. Cute southern twang. Smart ass white boy. Candles. More wine. Still in a giant glass. Maker of the first move in such a sexy, I want what I want, kinda way. I didn't give a shit about the movie any more, I was struggling to get my bra off.

That was last night. Yall getting this fresh off the presses! Now, there was no penetration but it was a good old fashioned make out session. One I hadn't had in a looooooooooonnnnng time. Cause why bullshit around when you can just bone? And, even though I'd just met him, I felt more comfortable with him than I expected. Maybe that's a sign that I'm coming into my own. I mean hell, I'll be peaking for the next several years...yay!!!! I don't know, but I wasn't worried bout the flab hanging over my jeans or my big ass thighs on top of his thighs. I'm thinking about it now and maybe that will prevent me from getting a call back. But I don't care really. I mean I do. I'd like to see him again, but at least I got something out of it. I got a little bit of release from the insurmountable sexual frustration that had been building within me for over a year! Yes, I said it! Shut up yall who get it on the regular! And yes, married people I'm talking to you. And any sluts who happen upon this blog. But what I told Sharelle when I recounted parts of the story to her today, is true. I needed to feel sexy. And I needed to feel desired. Fuck what happens today or tomorrow, but last night, that man wanted me. He wanted ME! And that was and always will be the perfect aphrodisiac.

Till next time, lovers!